Jokes in Klingon

Klingons appreciate a good joke, but their humor is rather opaque to humans (consider the classic knee-slapper Doq'a' SuvwI'pu'? ghobe, SuD 'Are the warriors red? No, green.'). It could be that Human jokes are similarly lost on Klingons. Nevertheless, in the interests of inter-species cooperation, I've translated the following jokes from various sources into Klingon. In other words, these aren't jokes by Klingons, but Human jokes translated for Klingons.

qIDmey                                  Jokes



tach 'el wa' tlhIngan                      A Klingon went into a bar 
  'ej ba' ghaH.                         and he sat down.  He took out
mo' machqu'vo' ghew vetlh               from a tiny cage a cootie, a
  chuS'ughHom je lel 'ej                cockroach and a tiny chus'ugh (a
  ravDaq bIH roQ.                       musical instrument).  The 
chuS'ughHom woH vetlh                   cockroach picked up the chus'ugh
  'ej QoQ lIngchoH.                     and began to play music.  The
bomchoH ghew.                           cootie began to sing.
mInDu' tInqu' ghajchoH chom.               The bartender's eyes widened
<Dunqu' wanI'!> jatlh                   in surprise. 
  <not wanI' rap vIleghpu'.>               "What an amazing thing!" he
<toH yISeyqu'Qo'> chomvaD               said, "I've never seen anything
  jang latlh.                           like it."
<wanI'Hey Daleghbogh Dun law',              "Well, don't get too excited,"
  wanI'na' Dun puS.                     replied the other.  "It's not
SoHvaD jInepbe'.                        as amazing as it looks.  The
QIch HotlhwI' 'oH vetlh'e'.>            cockroach is a ventriloquist."



Qel pa' 'el 'aj 'ej ba' ghaH.              The admiral enters the doctor's  
QelvaD jatlh 'aj.                       office.  He addresses the doctor.
<HIQaH!  jInuQqu' porghwIjvo'              "You've got to help me!  I'm
  narghmo' SIp tam.                     troubled by silent gas emissions.
reH nargh porgh SIp tam.                All the time, these silent gas
wa'Hu' quprIpDaq vaghlogh narghpu'      emissions!  Yesterday at the 
  porgh SIp tam.                        Council of Elders, I had five
DaHjaj vaS'a'Daq Hutlogh narghpu'       silent gas emissions.  Today, in
  porgh SIp tam.                        the Great Hall, I had nine silent
'ej DaH pa'lIjDaq wejlogh narghpu'      gas emissions.  And now, in your
  porgh SIp tam.                        office, I've had three silent gas
chay' porghwIj SIp tam Davor,           emissions.  How can you cure these
  Qel quv?                              silent gas emissions?  What will
nuq 'oH nablIj'e'?>                     you do?"
jang Qel.                                  The doctor replied, "Well, 
<bIQoylaHchu''a' SIbI' 'e' vIchov.>     first I'm going to check your 
                                        hearing!"


tlhIngan tach 'el wa' tera'ngan.           A Terran goes into a Klingon
chech ghaH.                             bar.  He is drunk.  He shouts
HochvaD jach <tlhInganpu', SaparHa'qu'! to everyone "I love you Klingons!
SuvwI'na' vImoj vIneHbej.               I want to become a real warrior.
chay' 'e' vIta'laH?>                    How can I do this?"
jang chom <SuvwI'na' DamojmeH wej          The bartender answers "To become
  Qu' Data'nIS.                         a true warrior, you must carry out
Qu' wa': cha'vatlh ben HIq HIvje'       three tasks. First, you must drink
  naQ DatlhutlhnIS.                     an entire glass of 200 year old
Qu' cha': chemvaH tlhab DaSuvnIS.       ale.  Second, you must fight a wild
Qu' wej: tlhIngan be' DangaghnIS.       chemvaH.  Third, you must make love
Qu'meyvam Data'chugh, vaj SuvwI'na'     to a Klingon woman.  If you 
  Damojbej.>                            accomplish these tasks, you will
<lu'> jatlh tera'ngan.                  be a real warrior."
chomvo' cha'vatlh ben HIq HIvje'          "OK" says the Terran.  The human
  tlhap Human 'ej nom Hoch tlhutlh.     takes a glass of 200 year old ale
chechqu'choH ghaH.                      from the bartender and drinks it
<tugh jIchegh!> jach 'ej mej.           down.  He becomes very drunk.  "I
nI'pu'DI' poH chegh tera'ngan.          will return!" he shouts, and leaves.
HIq tlhutlhta'mo' chechqu'taH.            A long time later, the Terran
SutDaj pe'lu'chu' 'ej DIrDajDaq         returns.  He is still very drunk
  machbogh QIH law' lutu'lu'.           from the ale.  His clothes are torn
loQ regh.                               and his skin has many small injuries.
jach Human <Ha', cha' Qu'               He's bleeding a little. The human
  vIta'ta'!                             cries out "All right! I've finished  
DaH, nuqDaq ghaH tlhIngan be''e'        two of the tasks!  Now, where's
  vISuvnISbogh?>                        that Klingon woman I'm supposed to
                                        fight?"


Qel yaHDaq Such tlhIngan loDnal            A man and his wife went to visit
  be'nalDaj je.                         the doctor.  After the doctor had
loD nuDta'DI' Qel, mobtaHvIS ghaH       examined the man, he spoke to the
  be'nal je, be'vaD jatlh.              wife alone.
<SoHvaD jIqeSnIS.                          "I must give you some advice.
ropqu' loDnallI'.                       Your husband is very sick.  Cook
Soj nIvqu' Dalo'taHvIS, ghaHvaD         him the best meals using the best
  nay'mey QaQqu' yIvut.                 foods.  Don't give him any chores
vaS'a'Daq vumqu'mo' ghaH, ghaHvaD       around the house, because he works
  juH Qu' yInobQo'.                     very hard at the Great Hall.  If
SoHvaD qay'chugh vay', not ghaHvaD      anything is bothering you, don't
  yIvIngQo'.                            complain to him.  If you do not
qeSwIj Dalobbe'chugh, vaj tugh          take my advice, your husband will
  Heghbej loDnallI'.>                   surely die soon."
juHDaq cheghtaHvIS loDnal be'nal je,       As the husband and wife were
  be'nalvaD yu' loD.                    returning home, the husband asked
<SoHvaD nuq jatlh Qel?>                 her, "What did the doctor tell you?"
jang be' <bIHeghbejlI'.>                   She replied, "You're going to 
                                        die."



juHDaq SaHbe'taHvIS voraQ, bangDaj         When Vorax was not at home, 
  Such voraQ be'nal.                    Vorax's wife and her lover got
nga'chuqchoH chaH.                      together.  They began to get
pay' juHDaq chegh voraQ.                intimate.  Suddenly, Vorax 
be'nalDaj, be'nal bang je tu'ta'DI'     returned home.  When he found
  ghaH, Qay'chu'.                       his wife and her lover, he blew
<jIH tuqwIj je chequvHa'moH!> jach.     his top.
vaHvo' nISwI'Daj lel, 'ej voraQ            "You have dishonored me and
  nachDaq nISwI' Qeq voraQ.             my House!" he cried.  He removed
HaghchoH be'nalDaj, be'nal bang je.     his disruptor from his holster
vaq voraQ.                              and pointed it at his own head.
<SuHagh'a'?                                His wife and her lover began
toH, peHaghtaH, petaQpu'.               to laugh.
tlha'bogh ray' tlhIHbej!>                  Vorax mocked them.  "You laugh,
                                        huh?  Well, go ahead and laugh!
                                        You're next!"


tlhIngan vengHomDaq ghIQ wa'               A Terran was vacationing in a 
  tera'ngan.                            Klingon village.  While he was
HurDaq yIttaHvIS ghaH, chol wa'         taking a walk outside, a Klingon
  tlhIngan.                             approached him.  The Klingon was
nISwI'beH, HIq bal je qengtaH           carrying a disruptor rifle and
  tlhIngan.                             a jug of liquor.
<toH, tera'ngan, yItlhutlh!> jatlh.        "Well, a Terran! Drink up!" he
jang tera'ngan <vItlhulh vIneHbe'.>     said.
Human chorDaq nISwI' Qeq tlhIngan.         "I don't want a drink," replied
jach <yItlhutlh jay'!>                  the Terran.
vaj HIq bal tlhap tera'ngan                The Klingon aimed his disruptor
  'ej tlhutlh.                          at the Human's belly.  "Drink,
DIngchoH nachDaj 'ej Qom porghDaj.      damn it!" he cried.
HIq bal nobHa'.                            So, the Terran took the jug 
jatlh tlhIngan <ngIm HIq, qar'a'?>      of liquor and drank.  His head
HumanvaD nISwI'beHDaj nob.              began to spin and his stomach
<DaH, vItlhutlhmeH, jIHDaq yIQeq.>      churned.  He gave back the jug.
                                           "Putrid, isn't it?" said the
                                        Klingon.  He gave his disruptor
                                        rifle to the Human.  "Now hold
                                        it on me while I take a drink."


ramjepHey bong mol yoS 'el chechwI'.       Around midnight, a drunk 
HeDaj qImHa'taHmo' mol chImDaq pum.     wanders into a graveyard. He isn't
chechqu'mo' nom QongchoH.               watching where he's going, and
qaSDI' po, vem ghaH 'ej jachchoH.       falls into an empty grave.  Because
ghoghDaj Qoy mol yoS 'avwI'.            he's very drunk, he falls right
<qatlh bIvIng?> yu' 'avwI'.             asleep.  In the morning, he wakes
<jIbIrqu'.>                             up and begins to cry out.  The
jang 'avwI' <mumerbe' ghu'.             cemetery watchman hears him.
SoHvo' Hoch lam Dapuppu'!>                 "Why are you whining?" asks
                                        the watchman.
                                           "I'm really cold!"
                                           "Well, I'm not surprised,"
                                        replied the watchman, "you've
                                        kicked all the dirt off of you!"
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